After a separation, you and the other person may struggle to communicate with each other. But learning how to communicate effectively can help you better deal with everything after a separation.
If you have children together, you will continue to be in each other’s lives at least until your children turn 18, especially if you both have decision-making authority for them. Figuring out how to co-parent allows you to better parent your children.
If you are concerned about family violence or do not feel comfortable communicating with the other person, learn about other ways to resolve disputes.
Need to know
- Communicating effectively with the other person is in your children’s best interests and well-being.
- All parents/guardians must make major decisions about their child together unless a court order says something different.
- Learning how to work together can help you resolve issues quicker and without having to go to court, which takes time and money.
- Be polite, stay on topic, and be reasonable, organized and reliable.
- Don’t insult, mock or harass or pick fights with the other person.
Review your court orders
If you have a court order about your family, review it to make sure you understand what it says, including about how you and the other person should communicate with each other. And most importantly, follow what the order says!
If you have a protection order
Your protection order may limit or prohibit communication with the other person. If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, you can ask the court to change the order to allow you to communicate with each other in a certain way to deal with issues that come up.
You can also ask the court to make or change a parenting order to allow you to make decisions without the other person.
Set boundaries
Before you start to work through issues, figure out how and when you will communicate with the other person. Setting these boundaries early can help you both feel less stressed and overwhelmed.
Choose a method to communicate
Choose one way to communicate with each other in non-emergency situations. Some options include:
- text
- co-parenting app
- shared calendar
- in person
- on the phone
It is best to communicate in writing. Benefits of doing so include:
- reducing the risk of miscommunication
- giving each person time to read and process the message and think about their response before having a conversation
- creating a record of your attempts to work together if you need help from a professional at some point or if you have to go to court
If you have a conversation in person or on the phone, it is a good idea to send a follow-up message in writing that summarizes what each of you said and what you agreed on.
Apps to help co-parents communicate
CoParenter gives families access to online mediation and coaching, healthcare-related safety plans, parenting plans, holiday and vacation schedules, agreements, education and support. They offer a free 30-day period to try the app.
Our Family Wizard helps parents manage schedules, track expenses, share files, send messages, make secured calls and more. They offer a 30-day period to try the app with a money-back guarantee.
Decide when to communicate
Decide when and how often you will communicate with each other. Once a week? Twice a week? Once a month? Limiting non-emergency communications to a set schedule allows you to have space from each other.
If you have children, you may agree to not discuss issues about your separation or parenting decisions when picking up or dropping off your children from each other. This benefits the family in many ways:
- lowers tensions at pickup and drop-off
- removes pressure one parent may feel to have a conversation they are not ready for or don’t have time for
- reduces risks of children overhearing adult conversations
- allows for a full discussion at another time
Hot tip
Do not save the other person’s contact information in your phone with an insulting nickname. While you may find this funny or healing, remember that others may see this name, including your children, psychologists, teachers or the court.
Set a goal for each communication and stick to it
Each time you communicate with the other person, have a goal of what you want to discuss. For example, is the goal to make a decision for your child? Is the goal to remind them of an upcoming deadline or appointment? Share this goal with the other person so you can both prepare for and stay focused during the discussion.
Before you communicate with the other person, take time to think about the issue and do some research. For example, if you are making a decision about your child, think about the fees involved, whether it affects the current parenting plan and what the child thinks about it.
During your communication with the other person, stay on topic. Focusing on this goal will also help you stay calmer and less emotional. If your emotions take over, your goal may turn into wanting to make the other person feel a certain way, which may lead to conflict.
If you make a decision together, document it. This can be as simple as sending an email or text message. The decision may also form part of a separation agreement or consent order.
If you have children together, remember that decisions you make must be in their best interests. When communicating with the other parent, stay focused on your child and not your relationship with the other parent. Doing so also allows both of you to work together, not against each other, with a shared goal of caring for your children the best you can.
Example
Your child is in grade 6 and their current school does not offer grade 7 and up. You must decide which school the child will attend for grade 7. There are two nearby options: a junior high school for only grades 7 to 9 or a high school for grades 7 to 12. Some of your child’s closest friends will be going to the junior high school, but the high school has a reputable program your child is interested in.
A few months before the school registration deadline, tell the other parent you want to discuss this issue. If you bring this up a few days before the deadline, they will not have time to look into the options themselves and communicate their preference to you. You may also miss the registration deadline and no longer have a choice.
Agree on how and when to discuss this issue.
Before the meeting, think about the pros and cons for each school. Think about the fees of your child attending both schools, including transportation. Think about how your child attending each school may affect the parenting plan. Remember to think about what is best for your child, not you.
When you discuss the issue with the other parent, stay focused. Do not start bringing up other issues. If you need to discuss other issues, make a list of them and figure out a time when you can deal with those later. Work together with the common goal of figuring out which school is the best option for your child.
Once you come to a decision, write it down. This could be as simple as one of you sending a text or email to the other parent confirming the decision. Figure out who needs to do what to register your child and if your parenting plan needs to change.
Learn how to co-parent after separation
Parenting After Separation (PAS) is a free online course created by the Government of Alberta to help parents learn how to communicate with each other after a separation. The court encourages every parent to take it even if the court does not order it.
Once you have completed PAS, you can take a second course called Parenting After Separation for Families in High Conflict.
The Alberta Family Wellness Initiative has a free Brain Story course that parents and professionals can take to better understand a child’s brain and trauma. It also shares how a parent’s behaviours and decisions impact their children.
Potential issues
You and the other person cannot come to an agreement.
You may need to get help from a professional or ask the court to make or change an order to resolve the issue.
One person is not following the agreement or court order.
If you have an agreement, you can ask the other person if they agree to turn it into a consent order, which the court can enforce if someone does not follow it. If you have an order, review it to see what it says to do if one person is not following it.
The other person is harassing or aggressive when they communicate.
If you don’t feel safe or comfortable communicating with the other person, you can ask the court for a protection order that limits how and when they contact you.
You need the other parent’s consent, but they won’t communicate with you.
Parents and guardians must make decisions together unless a court order says otherwise. If the other parent is not responding to your requests, you can ask the court to make an order removing their consent for all or certain decisions about your child.
Explore related topics
Make a separation agreement
Steps to make a legal agreement after your separation.
Make a plan for how to co-parent
Plan for how to co-parent your child after a separation.
Make a consent order
How to prepare and ask the court for a consent order.
Ways to resolve disputes
Different options, including professionals who can help.
Get or respond to a court order
Ask the court for an order to resolve family issues.